Come with me, you will see ...

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Monday, Oct. 11, 2004 @ 10:56 PM .... A feeling
Tuesday, Apr. 08, 2003 @ 10:05 PM .... Deep ... very deep .. philosophy

I had some SERIOUS deja vu today. It wasn't a feeling of "have I done this before" .. I fucking knew it .. it was the scarest feeling I have ever had. I was literally shaking, the person next to me actually asked me if I was ok.

I've had similar occurences, but nothing as intense as this .. that isn't what scares me though. Think about it. I'm going to get a bit philosophical .. so bare with me.

(Heaven's Side)

Lets say that I have done this before and I believe in a higher power. Could this higher power be giving me another chance? A chance at what though? What did I do wrong? Even deeper than that, how many times have I done it before? How many "second chances have I had?" Along the same train of thought .. if I had done it several times .. How stupid could I be for making the same mistake over and over again? If I keep getting second chances .. what would motivate me to do it "right" the "first time?"

(Hell's Side)

Or could this "second chance" really be a hell all its own. I am re-living my mistakes over and over again for eternity? Unable to change them even if I wanted to? ... each time through the loop I get a little hint to let me know that I have done this before ... just to make me realize that this is a nightmare of my own creation.

One of these two has to be right, because if I acknowledge the possibility that when we die, nothing happens, no heaven, and no hell .. then I wouldn't be having this conversation and I would of never had my deja vu.

I can see a lesson in this, and maybe that was the whole point. It boils down to a very simple concept. If I accept the fact that heaven is giving me a second chance, my life is literally what I MAKE it. If I accept the fact that hell is making me re-live my "failures" over and over again, I have to accept the fact that my life is what I MADE it .. either way, this says that I am in control of my own life.

One last note on this, for those of you that can't read between the lines. If heaven gives me the second chance it is because I fucked up .. when I correct it, my loop/life will "end" ... if hell makes me live with my failures for eternity, I am just watching from the sidelines because I'm not calling the plays .. either way .. I'm in hell

How is that for philosophy? All of my arguements are sound and my points very clear .. now, hopefully, all of you can see why I was shaking .. not because I saw the past .. because I saw the future ....

Your just going to have to read it - Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2004
A feeling - Monday, Oct. 11, 2004
not feeling so well - Friday, Oct. 08, 2004
News Flash -- No New News - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2004
Are you kidding? - Monday, Oct. 04, 2004